This. Hits. Hard.
By Amy Kerr
"I was stuck in patterns of self-abandonment that had destroyed my self trust and self respect. I’d been in and out of unhealthy relationships for 15 years wondering WHY I kept attracting emotionally unavailable men, until it hit me -
*I* was emotionally unavailable. Like attracts like.
I was confusing love with neediness, thinking I had to find “the one” who’d complete me, be my perfect match.
My fear of abandonment and loneliness kept me in painful, destructive relationships where I’d pull the wool over my eyes and keep pursuing them, waiting to finally be chosen.
And the well of shame, anger, stress and loneliness that built up inside me over 15 years just made me more clingy and dependent, as I buried my head in the sand and diverted my attention to obsessing about a lover or ex.
It was a vicious cycle that grew and grew and I didn’t know how to get out.
But this level of self abandonment and codependency is just a symptom.
A symptom of a raging abandonment wound.
Needs that hadn’t been met since childhood, needs that I didn’t even know I deserved to HAVE met.
You see - being emotionally unavailable is literally the act of being emotionally closed off from the self
When you learn from emotionally immature caregivers that your needs aren’t important, you learn what *IS* important to survive in that climate:
-being hyper-attuned to everyone else’s mood instead of your own
-ensuring what you do/say will please others, instead of being authentic to you
-being like others in order to get validation, instead of asking yourself who you are
And this results in a co-dependent mechanism inside you that is energetically attuned to the outside world, instead of within yourself.
I say energetically because that has been my healing journey -
To reclaim all parts of myself energetically.
To reparent that inner part SO focused on others for attention, validation and love - like Golum in the Lord Of The Rings so focused on the Ring - and to give her a home within me where she can rest, recover and be nourished.
And I want to end this by saying the path towards healing and reclaiming the self can be summed up in this brilliant quote by Matthew McConaughey:
“The first step that leads to our identity in life is usually NOT “I know who I am,” but rather “I know who I AM NOT.” It’s a process of elimination.”
So ask yourself - where in my life am I trying to be who I am NOT?
What parts of me are extending outwards to seek validation, approval and love where they should NOT?
Where in my life do I think I should belong, WHERE I SHOULD NOT?
That last question led me to true discernment.
And it led me to understand that the more I heal, the less I may feel I “belong” to my old world, but the more I belong within, which is priceless.
And that is the gold that I wanted to share with you all
I hope this helps someone!"